In March of this year I lost my dear aunt Ellie. It has been difficult to process the loss. I have struggled with feelings of anger, sadness and depression. Some days I feel fine. In the days following my aunt's passing I spoke with my uncle. It was agonizing to hear him crying uncontrollably about losing my aunt. They were high school sweethearts and loved each other dearly.

My uncle asked me if my sister and I would come over to go through my aunts belongings and pick out some things that we could keep to remember her. I was so touched by that and I told him of course we would. My sister flew in from Texas that week and the next day we drove to my uncle's house. When we arrived our cousin was outside waiting for us and we all embraced. We went inside to see my uncle and we sat down to talk about everything that had happened.

After we finished talking he asked if we were ready to look at my aunt's belongings. We said yes and walked to her closet. After we picked out some of her things my uncle asked if I wanted to take two of my aunt's jackets. One was a denim jacket and the other one was a brown corduroy jacket. I couldn't help crying especially when I tried the jacket on and I could still smell her perfume on it.

Since that day I've had her jackets hanging in my own closet. Honestly it has been hard to look at any of her things because I miss her and I don't understand why she is gone. Having all of these deep emotions during the spread of COVID 19 and being under a stay at home order, watching the country be divided by racism and so much more has made me feel like I haven't really had the chance to grieve her loss.

I just needed to get outside and get away. I didn't feel like being around other people but I did want to get back to the outdoors. I decided that the only way I could get outside and not be in a crowd of people was to head out at night. I don't own super high tech camera equipment and I don't know everything there is to know about photography but I want to learn and grow.

I started to read about night photography. I tried to look up information on how to get started. I must admit that a lot of blogs and comments by people that have been taking photos for years are rude. I don't see the need for rudeness when a person is asking how to use settings on their camera etc. So I didn't bother to ask any questions and I skipped reading comments. I decided to work on figuring out how to use my camera settings and go by trial an error.

I finally chose a date for my first night of trying to photograph the stars. I really overthought every detail. I played with my camera settings trying to figure out how to focus to infinity and which lens to use. When the night arrived I gathered all of my gear and I walked to my closet. I took my aunt's brown corduroy jacket off the hanger and held it up to my face. I breathed in the scent of her perfume, said a prayer and whispered please be with me tonight tia.

My husband and I headed out about 11:30 that night. I was tired but excited at the same time. I looked up at the sky as Robert drove us away from the city lights. I thought about my aunt and how she would've thought it was cool that I was doing this. We drove for close to an hour and parked. I started to set up my tripod and then I realized I needed to set my focus on a distant light or star. Thankfully there was a family hiking back to their car in the distance and one of them was wearing a headlamp. I used that light as a point to focus on.

I checked and rechecked my settings. There was only one thing left to do, take the picture. When you have an older camera and the megapixels aren't as high as you'd like it's a balancing act to try keeping the noise level down and not make the sensor hot at the same time. I did my best with what I have. I didn't look at the photos for a few days because I had to work.

When I did look at the photos I was really happy. I know there is some noise but it made me feel good to try something new that I've never done before. I’m so grateful Robert is so supportive and is always by my side.  Until I upgrade my gear I'll keep heading out at night and trying new things. I really felt like my aunt was with me that night and just that one moment alone was worth losing sleep over.